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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28005777">surrender's just a word</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/irrelevantramblings/pseuds/irrelevantramblings'>irrelevantramblings</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gilmore Girls</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dreams, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Mentions of Emotional Abuse, Nightmares, Not Canon Compliant, dealing with lorelai's trauma, i'm sorry lorelai, it'll end cute i promise</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:00:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,453</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28005777</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/irrelevantramblings/pseuds/irrelevantramblings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lorelai has dreams, sometimes. Actually, maybe they’re not dreams. Maybe they’re nightmares.</p><p>(Title from the Sara Bareilles song Someone Who Loves Me.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Luke Danes/Lorelai Gilmore</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>surrender's just a word</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> “Surrender’s just a word </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> Until you try it out </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> And see how hard it is to hurt </em> <em> <br/></em> <em> With someone else around.” </em></p><p>--</p><p>Lorelai has dreams, sometimes. Actually, maybe they’re not dreams. Maybe they’re nightmares.</p><p>She can’t remember when they started. But just like Luke’s dark days, they come with an alarming consistency. She doesn’t tell Rory, because the last thing Rory needs is to think her mother’s a nutcase. She doesn’t tell Sookie, because Sookie’s mother is the sort that teaches you how to make a magic risotto, the kind that showed her daughter how to cook in a warm kitchen, the sort of mother that instills in her kid the beginnings of a dream, and doesn’t clip her child’s wings. Michel is out of the question-- he probably wouldn’t stop long enough to listen to her. And Lorelai loves him, of course, just as much as she loves Sookie, but there are just some things you don’t tell your angry friend. And Christopher… well. He’s got enough issues of his own. Lorelai knows, deep down, that those dreams of hers will probably be more consistent than him.</p><p>She’s divided the dreams into three kinds-- the first is what she calls flashbacks, like what you see in the movies. In them, she’s 14 or 15 or pre-Rory 16, sometimes younger. She’s back in her parents’ house, with the faceless maids, the oppressing air, and, of course, her controlling parents. It’s always something that’s happened before-- once, Emily switched the locks on the front door. Lorelai can’t remember why, maybe it was some stuffy party she didn’t agree to. She’d come home from school to find her keys wouldn’t fit. When she knocked, she discovered quickly that the maids had been explicitly instructed not to open the door for her. Lorelai stayed outside, watching the sky turn from blue to purple to black, her stomach turning in on itself, over and over. A maid finally took pity on her and slipped her the dinner leftovers. </p><p>Eventually, Lorelai caved. She agreed to the stuffy party with the fancy dresses and the killer heels. Emily opened the door and icily informed her of the party’s details. The maid was fired.</p><p>Other times, Lorelai is playing hide and seek with her dad. Only she realises, too late, that Richard has forgotten her, his mind too preoccupied with work to care. That no one would come for her, and that she was alone, truly alone. It’s not dissimilar to the feeling she had when Chris agreed to the great plan set for them by their parents. She knew then that if Rory was to have a life outside of the one she’d been stuffed into, one where Rory could be free to do whatever she wanted, that she would have to go it alone.</p><p>Lorelai wakes from these dreams with an ache in her chest she’s familiar with. Then she dries her eyes, reminds herself of the great life she’s built here, and starts her day. </p><p>The second kind is actually a subset of the first. It’s the flashbacks, but this time it’s about the scary first years, when she’d arrived in town with barely anything and baby Rory perched on her hip. In these dreams she’s still there, where the other maids hated her because they thought Mia gave her partial treatment. The chef at the inn was annoyed that he had to feed a teenager and a growing child, on top of the inn guests, so he would lock the kitchen. When he or the other maids were in a sour mood, they would take it out on Lorelai, who was too proud or too scared to complain, for fear of losing her job. Sometimes, the chef would be really cranky, only cooking one meal for her and Rory. Those were the nights Lorelai went hungry. She never told Mia about it, already feeling too indebted to the kind woman who had taken her in. She was afraid, too, that if Mia interfered, the rest of the staff would hate her more, and make life difficult. </p><p>Once, Lorelai had turned her back, just for a second. Rory had disappeared. Lorelai dreams of this, sometimes, the same panic, her heart in her throat, her stomach sinking down, down to her toes. How could she have let this happen? She must be a terrible mother.</p><p>Lorelai tries to remind herself that Rory is safe. And that all things considered, she’s a decent mother. She reminds herself that if Rory hadn’t gotten lost, maybe she wouldn’t have met one of the new cooks, Sookie St James. So everything had worked out in the end.</p><p>The third kind of dream is what Lorelai calls the “what-ifs”. What if she had “gotten rid” of Rory like Straub had suggested? What if she had said yes to Christopher’s proposal? (This what if was mostly answered when she did, eventually, say yes to Christopher’s proposal. She wishes she had listened to her 16 year old self a little more.) What if she’d had more money, and gotten off that bus at the next stop? What if Rory simply wasn’t conceived? What if she’d never met Luke?</p><p>Luke.</p><p>Through everything, ever since that first day she’d rushed into the diner, he was there. As consistent as the dreams. He was also the only one who ever noticed. When they’d gotten together, when they shared a bed, he always knew when she had her dreams. Sometimes he was gone before she was awake, needing to open the diner, and in his place there would be a fresh cup of coffee and a stack of chocolate chip pancakes. He never pushed her to talk, but he was there for a hug, to hold her, for coffee and pancakes and whatever else she needed. </p><p>Because Luke understood. Somehow, some way, he always understood. </p><p>After Christopher, the dreams had gotten more frequent. Luke, as usual, noticed. They’d just gotten back together, but of course he knew. He always knew.</p><p>“Are you still having those dreams?” He asked one morning. Lorelai had woken up with her heart pounding against her chest. It had taken several deep breaths, a few tears, and Luke rubbing her back gently for her to calm down from the what-if dream.</p><p>Lorelai fought against the urge to say no. They had spoken about communication. She couldn’t talk the talk and not walk the walk. “Yeah,” she admitted. Then paused. She took a deep breath and tried to shake the tears from her cheeks. “I’ve… been seeing someone,” she continued, before adding quickly, “a professional. I mean. I’ve been seeing a therapist. To help with my… issues.” </p><p>It wasn’t something she was proud of. But after Christopher, when the dreams had gotten more frequent, she would wake up with her heart a skipping stone. No matter which of the three types she dreamt the previous night, she woke up with panic seizing her shoulders, fear icing her veins. Worse, they started to happen several times a week. Even Michel had been concerned about the dark circles under her eyes. Knowing she couldn’t go on like that much longer, Lorelai finally started researching therapists in the area. She hated admitting she needed help. It made her feel weak and out of control.</p><p>Luke was silent for a long moment. She started to panic-- what if Luke decided she was a nutcase? What if he didn’t want to be with someone who needed to see a shrink?</p><p><em> Look at the evidence here, </em> her therapist’s voice said in her head. <em> If he didn’t want to be with you, do you think he’d still be here? </em></p><p>No, he wouldn’t.</p><p>“Good. That’s good,” he smiled at her. “I’m proud of you, Lorelai.”</p><p>Her heart squeezed, but it was warmer, sweeter. Few people had said as much to her. </p><p>“Yeah?” She’d asked, just to be sure.</p><p>He tucked her hair behind her ear, then kissed her. “I love you, Lorelai, no matter what,” he murmured against her lips.</p><p>She felt herself smile back. “I love you no matter what, too.”</p><p>Lorelai has dreams, sometimes, though these days there’s more space between them. On Luke’s dark days, Lorelai fixes him a mug of tea and tells him she’s always here when he needs her. On her dream days, Lorelai wakes up to find coffee and chocolate chip pancakes and a presence that is true and sure.</p><p>And Lorelai knows the dreams will be just dreams. Because in spite of it all, she’s got a pretty damn good life, with a pretty damn good man beside her. </p><p>--</p><p><em>“My home, my heart,</em><em><br/></em><em>Thank god you are</em><em><br/></em><em> Someone who loves me.”</em><em><br/></em> <em>- Sara Bareilles, Someone Who Loves Me</em></p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I just think we should deal with Lorelai's trauma, okay? also this is sort of an AITYL AU because I feel like AITYL Lorelai would probably be further removed from her trauma but a younger Lorelai wouldn't be. and I wanted her to see a therapist much earlier because honestly, she needs it.</p><p>Lorelai's relationship with Emily and Richard is the closest representation of my relationship with my parents I've seen, lol (minus the high society and teen pregnancy). and let's just say, ya girl's got dreams too (mainly of the first kind). I hinted on how she met Sookie because I want to write something for that soon!</p><p>sorry for making you suffer Lorelai!! because why deal with your issues when you can just project them on your fav character and write angsty stories am I right folks? I hope I made up for it with the fluffy ending though. anyway, you can holler at me on tumblr @/irrelevantramblings or on twitter @/LilLeftofNormal or the comments! we can also discuss taylor swift's new album! I swear, she's trying to kill me (a warning would've been nice, miss swift).</p><p>spellings might be weird because I am not American and I write in British English lol oops</p></blockquote></div></div>
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